WHEN WE LOOK AT HAVING SUPPORTIVE, LOVING RELATIONSHIPS,
WHY NOT START WITH OURSELF?

By Ramona Dougals

    Relationships are how we relate to others. We have a relationship with everyone that we know and who are close to us. This is not reserved for our family or someone that we are involved with. Every interaction we have with another is the act of relating. If we have a problem relating to others, this effects our ability to have supportivie relationships. We have to ask ourselves if our relationships are supportive and if they are not, then ask ourselves why they are not. Everyone wants the perfect romance or marriage, but not everyone looks at the mechancs of how to have one. If we fail to have supportive relationships in our life, how can we have the "perfect love relationship"?  

Lets look at what is a supportive relationship. The word support is very important. It means that our interaction supports another. This means more than supporting another in their decisions or actions, rather through the act of supporting, we honor and validate who the other person is. In turn, this validates who we are. Both are supported, no one loses, no ego's involved, and in so doing, we honor the relationship. This is what it means to have a supportive relationship. This is the desired goal. Now, how do we accomplish it?  

There are several reasons why we may have problems relating to others. One primary reason is our behavioral patterns. These patterns are developed over a course of our lives. It starts when we are children, through to our adolescence, and by the time we are an adult, we have established our behavioral patterns for our relationships. These behavioral patterns either work or they don't. It is how we interact or respond in our relationships that determine whether these patterns work. In addition, we can have both positive and negative behavioral patterns. Which is reflected in our life? The positive or the negative?  

What causes negative behavioral patterns? If we look at a person's life, we can readily see which is negative or positive behavior. But we may not easily see the cause of the negative. The cause usually resides in the past in which a trauma or an event occurred that effects how we behave in the future. If that event occurs again, or if something happens currently to cause us to experience that trauma again, that is when we respond to it. Situations can act as triggers, which may cause us to react to the person that is involved in the situation.  This causes a negative behavioral pattern.  Until we can indentify the problem, we are powerless to do anything about it.  

Whatever the situation was to trigger a reactionary response, the cause must be discovered in order to heal the original fracture. (Or stop the behavioral pattern.) In Shamanism terms this is called a Soul Fracture. A fracture of the Self. Each self is part of the whole which comprises the soul.  

Soul Fractures occur for a variety of reasons and may or may not relate to this current lifetime. Trauma's have occurred in past lifetimes that may or may not have been addressed. The Soul holds the body of these life experiences.   Furthermore,  the life process itself can be very painful for some. Past experiences that have dishonored, or invalidated who we are, cause us to close ourself off even more. These experiences build up over a matter of time and unless a clearing occurs, emotional or physical problems may develop.  We can go through life accruing more and more "garbage".  And we can bring this into our relationships.  These are just a few reasons why we can have problems in our relationships. Using this context , we can see the long road to having supportive and loving relationships.  

If a problem has been indentified, what can we do about it? One can try to clear it themselves, or one can go to a Practioner who is adept at doing clearings. Either avenue can work. If someone is able to clear it themselves, it is more benefical for them in how they will address  problems in the future. This is a long process and one that is very involved. 

In order to clear, one must indentify the original cause that created a behavioral pattern. Then, move through the experience of that situation, and experience the emotions that we have associated with it. Then, we must have closure or completion. (This is the doing part of it. We must do something about it.) This means completing it anyway that we are able. As long as, we feel that we have a sense of completion for the experience. 

For example, if the experience has to do with a person or a loved one that has died, we may not have the ability to directly talk to this person.   But we can still communicate whatever is necessary to say to that person.  In this case, the communication will have to be enough.  

(Note: A word of caution. If someone has or has reason to believe that they have experienced a severe trauma, they should not move through it by themself. They should seek Professional help in addressing this. There is too much danger in causing additional harm to oneself in going through it alone.)  

So, after we have identified the cause, moved through the experience, experienced the emotions associated with it,  received closure or completion, then we let it go. We must let it go in order for the experience to clear.   When we let it go, we release it. This does not mean to forgive or forget, that is not what it is to release. The act of releasing is our readiness to heal. Only after the experience has cleared can healing occur.   

The healing process is a time when we must be very loving to ourself.  If we beat up ourself about the experience that had caused us harm or our past reaction to it, then we can not heal. In being loving to ourself, we validate what we had expereinced at that time and our emotions for it. Our emotions are always valid. So its important for us to do this self validation in order to heal.  

Love is the energy that helps us to heal, whether we give this love to ourselves, or we receive it from another.   When we look at having supportive, loving relationships in our life, why not start with ourself? Because that is where love comes from. Its not about what we can receive from love but what we can contribute or give to love.

This is what transforms our relationships and our lives. We must love the self first. And we can not do that until we have healed and become whole.

The focus on my path since the beginning has been on Spirit and Energy.  Alot of my development and training has been in this area.  A few years ago my path took a change and I started developing Shamanism and healing ablities.I call myself a Spirit Shaman, because I am on the path of Spirit My husband and I are in the process of starting a foundation called The RAMLOR Foundation. Its focus is being an informational resource center with the intent of bringing all religions together by expressing the joy of our spiritual journey.  I can be reached at the following email address. RamonaDouglas@webtv.com